ABC Loop
When it helps
When you find yourself in stuck patterns in a relationship – whether a partnership, friendship, or job – like accusations or withdrawal – this method helps you step out of the waiting position ('the other person has to change'). You regain your ability to act by actively and appreciatively shaping your own sphere of influence.
How to practice
- A – Apologize (Take responsibility): Begin by naming your own part in the dynamic – without 'but' and without blaming the other. Say for example: 'I've noticed I've been very demanding lately. I'm sorry for that.' Then open the space with a question: 'How have you experienced that?'
- B – Behaviour (Observe): Step back inwardly. Observe without judgment how the other person responds when you remove your pressure. What's happening now? Also pay attention to very small, positive reactions.
- C – Celebrate (Reinforce): When you see progress, name it plainly and warmly: 'Thank you for listening to me so calmly just now.' This reinforces the behavior you're hoping for, instead of criticizing what's still missing.
- Keep at it: Old patterns are like deep ruts. When you fall back into them, that's not failure. Breathe through it and simply restart the loop. Patience with yourself and the other person is the key here.
- Your impulse for today: In which relationship do you want to try the 'A part' today? What small part of the situation could you bravely name today?
Note: This method is not meant to make yourself small. It's a tool of strength, to break open a stuck situation through your own new behavior.